I have totally adopted the feminist, girl-power mindset that any man would be lucky to have me...It's my understanding that a lot of women feel this way...an unfamiliar concept to someone who has literally NEVER acted like herself. I think (selfishly hope, rather) that the reality is that most women feel inadequate, but we are very good at hiding our insecurities.
I can walk into any room with the air that I don't care what anyone thinks; but the actuality is that everyone is judging, and sometimes I do feel rather self-conscious. It's the reason I occasionally force myself to go out of the house without makeup on, something brand-new for 2015.
I was talking with someone the other day about how I've "robbed" everyone I've been with (romantically) in the past of being with the "real Morgana". I didn't know the real me until I came back to CO early this year, so maybe that's a true statement. I've never felt free or confident enough to just be, so everyone I've been with in the past has tasted a version of me that was not 100% authentic. I wanted to be that "perfect girl": skinny, tasteful, intelligent, classy, blah, blah, blah...So I censored my shit to be that girl. The fact of the matter is, there is no perfect girl, and the ideals I was striving for were unrealistic, not to mention insulting to me as a human being. Why not be myself?
The year of 2015 has brought me great things; most importantly, freedom. I started over; again; to find myself and become who I was meant to be. I am a family-oriented, career-driven, social butterfly who would simply die without Alex and Cathie close by. The loves of my life are those who listen to my bullshit and like me anyways. I no longer have the desire to hold back anything, because I know that even if it will be judged, it will also be forgiven by the right people. That's what I hope to find in a romantic partner. Uncensored, sloppy, "classity" behavior that will absolutely be embarrassing at times. I want someone who will take that and love it to pieces!
So, I got a bit distracted (GD ADD!), but this is why I started this post, because it's 9pm and I'm cleaning my house, blogging about my life, cooking bacon and making Banh Mi sandwiches for my two girlfriend's lunch tomorrow...Being with me means late nights and early mornings; a tiny apartment blasting Ciara, Nicki Minaj, and Beyoncé; LOUD and sloppy cooking on the daily; golf tournaments and happy hours at my fave watering hole; with a splash of seriousness to keep my career on track, because I deff want to make more money than you do.
Is this so hard?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ...Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory...that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
ReplyDeleteReligious implications redacted. Still, thought it was fitting for this post. You are awesome, and I'm glad you aren't afraid to show it!
I lovelovelove that quote, and I am so glad you shared it! Totally going on my mirror, because right when I read it, I felt powerful and at peace all at once. You are such an insightful, intelligent friend to me always, and I always delight in your comments and messages. Thank you! :)
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